I was dating a guy in NYC a couple of years ago whom I suspected, might be obsessed with anal sex. I suspected this because he used to fumble around my downstairs with his penis, like someone making their way through somebody elses house during a blackout wielding nothing but a broken torch to guide them. I’d lie there staring at the ceiling, naively wondering if he was having trouble finding the correct hole. You know, the one that naturally lubricates itself, is directly adjacent to the clitoris and stretches in an accommodating manner. This fumbling business happened a lot. The next clue, was the off handed comments he would frequently make referring to anal sex. Months later, when I was back in Australia continuing a relationship with him, he sent me a dick pic. It was awful on so many levels.
Two things stood out the most, the pubes that had been given the haircut of a Gregorian monk, and the anal porn captured in a freeze frame in the background. Both things, disturbing in equal measures. One of my girlfriends was crashing at mine during this period and I showed her the picture. She gasped. Then laughed. Then turned the lights on for me, illuminating the fact that yes, this manchild was obsessed with anal sex. Just as I’d suspected! Ding!! She pieced the puzzle of the photograph together with a conversation I’d had with her once about being bored with the sex because he always had to finish by flipping me over, pushing my face down in a pillow and pounding one out.
“BABE! HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW?!?!?! SERIOUSLY? IT’S SO OBVIOUS.”
To this day, she still cannot believe that I can be so dense. So unquestioning. So simultaneously inexperienced but experienced. It wasn’t obvious to me. I’d been in relationships for the better part of twelve and a half years since I was a teenager and had been terrorised by a small number of shit dicks in between (the trauma caused by weird ass, marshmallow, enoki mushroom, mini winni dicks was so real that Shit Dick is #1 on my Deal Breaker List).
I’ve had anal sex before. When I was 19. It hurt like Hades and the experience can only be likened to having a sword shoved up my arse. I told him so. I also asked him if he actually really wanted to have anal sex or was he just joking, to which he replied….
“No! I’ve done it a few times before. But I wasn’t that into it…you know….sometimes you pull out and get a whiff….”
Thereby eliminating ANY chance that he had of me exploring the option again. Deny, deny, deny. All that attempted anal probing. For nothing. What an idiot. If he weren’t such a closet anal prober, he would be able to plan in advance and be with someone who keeps a bathroom cabinet shelf full of spare douches. Denying himself his best chances of world class whiffless butthole surfing.
Like a small child who had tried to sneak his spoon into the neapolitan icecream tub and steal aaaaaall the chocolate flavour and having the lid slammed down on him. Cutting the spoon off in the nick of time as it blindly wandered the stripes, pretending it wasn’t sure if it was the strawberry, vanilla or chocolate flavour that he was attempting to lodge his spoon in. He would’ve got further if he’d been honest about it. I told him this as we remained friends for a couple of years after the demise of our vanilla dating experience. Until I visited NYC again in October last year. I was supposed to stay at his place in the East Village for five nights. I had expressed several times before hand that there would be no spooning, no kissing, no sexing for it was neither my vanilla, strawberry nor my chocolate stripe that enjoyed the aggressive, porn computed tappings of his spoon. I drew the lines of clear platonic borders and I expressed this several times, but his ego was beyond borders. Total waste of a good spoon. Strong. Rock solid. Upstanding. I warned him, the lid to my tub of icecream closed to him in 2013 and was not about to open any time soon aka ever.
I ran away after two nights. Lids to all of my flavours safely sealed, without danger of intruders. Since returning to Melbourne, there’s been only two fumblings. Both with inflatable spoons that just haven’t quite had enough in them to make it smoothly into even the vanilla tub, let alone work its way over to chocolate. I consider myself as in the midst of a drought. Waiting patiently for a solid, unwavering, good looking spoon to come along and hang with my forkables. A spoon that isn’t attached to a lying misogynist with anal shame and mummy issues would be great.
I really enjoyed your article, you made me laugh and cringe at how painful it is! I’ve been with girls that want it but I’ve always found it eew, one girl wanted ass to mouth! I never kissed her after that!
LikeLike
Each to their own is my policy! But it’s always a bonus to find someone who tells you what they’re about when you start seeing them. Truth willlll set yoooooou freeeee.
LikeLike
So I just read about your attempted anal intrusion
Chocolate Vanilla and Strawberry ice cream
Never before elicited such a loud scream
Perhaps from tooth sensitivity
Rather than a arse stretch beyond comfortability
LikeLike
Hahaha. Imagine how the ladies feel when you guys try and prod from out of NOWHERE!!!
LikeLike
Hi there!
You write really well. Captivating actually. Do you write stories too? A book or film?
LikeLike
Thanks Nicolas. I’m onto a couple of projects ATM. Both film and aiming toward a book, my publisher is being VERY patient with me!
LikeLike
Was in a reverse roll to yours
I don’t understand the infatuation to back door entry
I said that it wouldn’t work but as she attempted to guide herself to a then erect penis fortunately it went limp at the thought of entry
So till this day im glad and thankful that that is one door I haven’t opened 🙂
LikeLike
Apparently it feels pretty damn good for a guy! Maybe you should try it. The point of my post was neither here nor there on preference, just that people should be honest and shameless about what their proclivities are!
LikeLike
I casually stumbled across this, the chocolate vanilla strawberry one is a great read I’ll definitely be having a next Sunday
LikeLike
Thanks Rusty. I’ll get some more up here soon. Stripper life has been busy!
LikeLike